sweetabsence
"You Belong With Me."
1-20-07 || 9:50pm || Mood:
The last couple of days my mind has been loaded with questions about my relationship with Marc. Let me start from the beginning.
Before we met, Marc (did something and) was charged with indecent exposure. So he now has to go to group therapy sessions and check in with his PO once a month. He goes to SAA (Sex Addicts Anonymous) meetings once a week. He also cant drink or leave the state (although he found out recently that he could have left the state the whole time). He is almost done with the program and will be on probation for another year after that.
This hasnt really affect our relationship in any way. He told me about it a couple of months after we started going out and that early on in our relationship I have to admit, it was kind of weird. But he was getting help and he didnt behave in a certain way that made me question him. So in my mind, it was okay. It has only affected us moving out since the therapy sessions cost a lot of money and arent covered 100% by health insurance.
Marc texted me yesterday (Friday) asking me if I was going to come over because we had to chat about some group stuff... which I interpreted as talking about the new couples therapy sessions I might have to soon attend with him. But when I got to his house he had me read his journal that he keeps for his group sessions. It talked about him calling an escort service last month, but only recently did he admit it to the group. When the escort service called him back he didnt answer the phone.
So my boyfriend almost cheated on me and I cant seem to shake the fact that he had the thought in his head he wanted to cheat on me... although I know its much more complicated then this.
Marc was sexually abused as a child which makes you more likely to be hyper sexual later on in life. I understand this part. But why couldnt he just call me if he feels the need to have sex? I dont understand why he called an escort service. Does he want to know how it feels to be with someone else? Then why is he with me?
When he told me he was obvisously ashamed (he hid his face under his comforter as I read it) and felt bad that he hurt me. I know he didnt cheat on me... but it really upsets me that if he answered that phone he could have thrown 3 and a half years away.
I just have so many questions that I dont know how to deal with them. I love him to death and want him to get through this whole sex addiction thing but is it right for him to put me through all of this? If he did this once would be ever do this to me again? I dont know what to think of all this quite yet.
All of this came at me after a night of self loathing, the night before. On my way home from my Thursday night class I started balling in the car. I turned my car off in the driveway and calmed myself down enough to call Marc. I started out talking casually and then the tears came soon after.
Ive noticed lately when I get stressed out about something else I start to think about everything I hate about my life and start getting ultra upset about that when its really about something else completely. Ive become such a cry baby lately.
I spilled to Marc about how unhappy Ive become because I dont have any friends. The once I did have have found other people and things in their lives that make them perfectly happy... and I feel like thats why they dont need me anymore. During this conversation, it was the first time I felt like Marc understood my uncontrolable sadness pouring out of me. He calmed me down enough to get off the phone.
I went into my house, went into my room and closed the world off. I put on my most shape less pajammas and crawled into bed and texted Marc this:
"I feel like your the only one that loves me in my life. Thats enough but I feel like its not fair. All I have ever wanted is to feel like I belong. I want to feel comfortable."
Marc texted me back: "You belong with me."
I hope we can get through this and that he is right.