sweetabsence
As of this Point in Time...
3-26-08 || 10:49pm || Mood:
As of this second I can think clearly. Theres a fan blowing in the living room and my mom is reading. Doggies are asleep next to the fire. This is as close to silence as I can get in this house. Lately Ive been skipping family outings, to be able to be in my house in peace. In this moment I am blessed.
Ive noticed more and more that my father is losing touch with his life. Now that he isnt working he watches a lot of CNN, CourtTV and such channels and brings up controveral topics when you just passing through the room. He really needs a hobby. Something to look forward to, rather than the repeated news reel about Obama and Clinton. Its hard when you know someone who you care for is very depressed and you dont know to get them out of the rut. Its especially hard when your relationship with that person tends to be very rocky.
I hate knowing that when I complain about the noise level in my house, its almost a direct insult to my father since his TV watching is such a part of what keeps him going. Because of this I feel like a shitty person. I had to say that in light of my last entry to clear my conscious.
I must say that my relationships with my family has gotten better. I have allowed acceptance of what I cannot change, at least when it comes to them. They still frusterate me all to hell, but this will obvisously be a reocurrance until I die. Might as well, let it be.
In other thoughts currently; I cannot wait to be done with school and at the same time I have no desire to go to school this summer. So is my desire to be done with school, just a desire to have a break from it? At this point with a year left. Taking the summer off would put me back a semester. I am still sorting out these feelings, or more accurately, I am fighting them because I know what I should do.
As of this point in time I can say that I am am soulfully busy in my life. Meaning, that I am having my fill which only makes me hungry for more. My job enables me to be creative. I just wish I was paid more and I totally understand how a teacher struggles in their first year. There is much to do and not much time to do it. The sad thing about this is that Im realizing this and I dont have my degree yet. lol Time to switch majors.
There is so much that I am craving for at this time, which makes me feel crazy and wonderful at the same time. I think my 'outlets' are wide and I do not feel as if I am using all of them. I bought a black leather bound journal (much like my well loved brown journal from Mr. Mahn's creative writing class) when I came back from Chicago. I havent wrote a single word in it. How I wish I had, the same "at a moments desire" to write as I did when I was in Chicago. With new surroundings I was very much inspired. I have no responsibility in Chicago.... when I got home, I realized work totally turns you off to all the possibilities.
To write, to see the unfamiliar, to really excel at my job and take time to take care of myself. I wish I could take the summer off and take advantage of it. I would like to recharge. It would feel really good just as much as being done with school would be a breath of fresh air...