sweetabsence
Perhaps It Is?
4-8-07 || 10:45pm || Mood:
I think I have come to believe that I dont deserve nice things in my life. How shitty is that? lol Sometimes I have to laugh at these ideas because they are so stupid. Of course I deserve nice things and I truely dont believe that statement... but it comes in and out of my mind sometimes. I guess when something goes wrong I tend to believe the worse. Kind of like Piaget's theory of egocentrism. Children cant see anyone else's perpective but their own. Its hard for me to see that because I have an agruement or Im not treated right by someone, that its not always my fault. Young children blame themselves for their parent's divorce. I always believe that its my fault, that me and my parents dont get along.
Perhaps it is?
I have to be honest though. Im not a easy person to deal with when it comes to relationships of any kind. I can be quite selfish and push people away. I am also stubborn. I am working on all of these things and you know that one day I wont label myself as these things. I am always changing and improving myself, but this is who I am right now.
I feel like the efforts that I put into the relationships with my parents arent being reflected back. I can be affectionate and hug my parents, but it doesnt make them hug me back, or even say 'I love you.' I havent heard that in years.
I dont know what it will be like when I move out of here. I think you can put money on me shedding a few tears, looking around my new place. I so desprately want to move out, but at the same time I dont know when and how soon that will happen.
I cant wait until Yelena moves into her apartment a block away from here. It will be nice to escape once in awhile, and not have to drive all the way to Burnsville to do it.