sweetabsence
Open My Heart
2-3-08 || 10:50pm || Mood:
I finally feel like my life is falling into where it should be. My classroom is finally balancing out although Im still working with Jordan who still does nothing. But because she is an aide and couldnt prove that she is teacher qualified, I am taking control of the room and things are going much better. I dont have to worry about her not getting something done, because now I know it will get done. I am suppose to delagate to her and give her things to do but I seriously feel like I cant count on her to get the littlest thing done. Anyways, I am staying quite centered on the work front and I am doing well. I finally feel like the kids are learning and I wasnt feeling like they were for about two months there. They have structure but have a lot of fun things to do during their day. I feel like my job is forfilling like it once was.
The social piece of my life is going okay. I almost had a melt down yesterday where I couldnt get out of bed for a couple of hours. I was laying there just thinking about how I had to go to Sara and Chad's for margaritas and to play games. I find that I am fine with almost all social situations but when it comes to his friends. Marc and I had a text message fight (Oh yeah, we did. lol) when he was at work. He kept calling me and telling me tidbits about what was going to happen that night and I just hung up on him because he was making my anxiety go high. So I texted him saying that I rather not talk about it or else I will have serious feelings about not going. He got all pissed and told me that "I ALWAYS back out of everything." I was like, well thanks honey. So you havent noticed all the changes and all of the effort that I have put forth the last two months?!?!? It was very hurtful. He didnt get that all I was trying to tell him was that a) this was how I was feeling about going b) that all I wanted to hear that everything would be okay c) that I would go anyways, although at that point it was more of a favor to him than accomplishing a resoultion. Sara and Chad's wasnt so bad because the people that really make me uncomfortable werent invited and I was thankful of that. Marc later apologized for the way he treated me although he seemed to have gotten his way anyways. Grrr!
I guess I havent lived up to my thoughts in this entry completely. Although I have been having more sex. lol ;) So I am working out more and feeling better about myself. Last week I went to Old Navy to buy new jeans and I am a size smaller so that excites me! I must say its been a week since Ive worked out but I worked out tonight to get back into routine. But I havent completely cheated yet and my choices have been for the most part consciously healthy. I just cant kick having a turtle mocha from caribou every so often. ;) Oh well. I am doing well and I just need to focus on the positive. Also the first week in March, my Mom and me are planning a weekend in Chicago just to get out of the state. I think I need a visual change out of the norm. It will help me open my heart up even more.